Hope To See You Soon
Gun Control Activism from a Crook’s Perspective
Dear Gun Control Lady,
The other day, I was in bad need of a fix. I needed some crack money somethin’ terrible. So I went down the street to the grocery store, parked in a shady part of the lot and started looking for an easy mark. It ain’t easy to find someone you know won’t fight back and hurt you. More and more folks are beginning to carry guns and sometimes you just can’t tell who has ’em and who don’t. But, I got lucky. After about an hour of watching folks, you pulled into the lot. When you pulled your car into the parking space, that Million Mom March bumper sticker practically jumped out at me. I watched you as you unbuckled your kids, locked up your car and walked into the store. Man, I really liked the sight of that bumper sticker. It was like getting a Christmas present when it ain’t even Christmas.
Now, you may think that us crooks are stupid, but I can tell you we ain’t. We know what that Million Mom stuff means. It means you don’t like guns. You think no one should have ’em. And you don’t own one. So when I saw that bumper sticker, I was so excited — I thought, “this is gonna be a good day.”
Million Moms is easy scores, you know. I don’t pay much attention to news and stuff like that, but I learned about you ladies from a buddy of mine who likes house jobs. He keeps up with all those groups who hate guns. He says they’re the best targets. When he hears about one of their meetings, sometimes he goes and hangs around outside til its over. Then he follows one of ’em home to see where they live. He mostly does his jobs when nobody’s home, but says he doesn’t have to worry as much about unexpected surprises when he picks one of those anti-gun places.
Anyway, I knew you was gonna be an easy score. I started making my plan on how to rob you. I figured I would surprise you while you were strapping those kids back in their seats. I’d just walk up behind you, maybe shove you a little, steal your purse and take off. I kinda hoped I didn’t have to hurt you. You looked pretty from where I was. I hoped it’d all happen so fast, you’d be too scared to try to stop me. I wished I could figure out how to do it without gettin’ those kids stirred up. I knew they’d start cryin’ and stuff and might get somebody’s attention. I knew that even if I didn’t have to smack ’em or anything that they’d have nightmares and stuff and be pretty messed up — you know, seein’ their Mommy get knocked around and all, then the cops and everything. I don’t really like to hurt folks, especially kids, but sometimes I have to. It’s the nature of the business, you know.
I had it all worked out. But then everything got messed up. This other car pulled into the space next to yours. I watched a man get out of the driver’s side and head into the store. The woman who was with him stayed in the car. I started to think that maybe I’d just go rob her instead. But then I noticed a GOA sticker in her back window. Being one of them million mom people, I’m sure you know what GOA is — Gun Owners of America. That means they own guns. I sure hate to see those stickers. The NRA sticker is a bad sign, too. I thought for a minute that maybe the man was the GOA guy, but you never know. Seems like more and more women is gettin’ involved in that stuff. And I didn’t know if he carried his gun with him inside or if it was in the car or if maybe both of them had guns. I couldn’t take the chance. I sure didn’t wanna get shot or anything. I just wanted a little money for some crack. Besides, even if I didn’t get shot, they might use a gun to keep me there til the cops came. I didn’t want that neither.
Anyway, I thought about it for a while and decided that my first plan was best. I just hoped those gun folks left before you came back out. I figured since the woman stayed in the car and the man went in, he only needed a coupla things and they’d leave soon. I hoped you were buying a lot of stuff and they’d be gone before you came out.
Well, it didn’t work out that way. You and your kids came out of the store. I couldn’t do nothin’ but sit and watch while you buckled up those kids. I had to just sit there while you put the groceries in the trunk and pushed the cart away. I knew that lady in the next car might have a gun. I figured if she did and I bothered you, she’d pull it. I was so angry. There I was sittin’ there watchin’ my fix get in a car and drive away.
I saw the way you looked at that other lady when she smiled at you. Your pretty face looked downright ugly, the way you sneered at her. I figure you saw her GOA sticker, too. Guess that got your dander up — her bein’ a gun owner and all — and you hatin’ ’em so much. To tell ya the truth, I wasn’t real happy with that lady either. If she hadn’t been sittin’ there, I woulda had my money. But I couldn’t take the chance that she’d shoot at me or anything. She sure messed up my plan.
Oh well, there’s always another day. I sure hope you shop at that store a lot. And I sure am glad you have that Million Mom sticker on your bumper — it’ll make ya real easy to spot. Sure was great of my buddy to teach me about those things. Makes my job a whole lot easier.
Hope to see ya soon.
Your grateful friend,
The letter you just read is, of course, entirely fictional, with one small exception. I’m referring to the part about the sneer the “GOA” woman received from the Million Mom March supporter. The sneer was directed toward me, although I certainly did nothing to generate such disdain.
My fictional letter was meant for that woman (and others like her). I realize it would be too much to ask that she consider the likelihood that the presence of any legally armed person might be of benefit to her. But maybe, just maybe, she’ll see how foolish it is to advertise to the world that she is unarmed. For her sake, I sure hope so.