Store Owner Kills Assailant With Trigger Lock

Still out of breath and adrenaline pumping through his body, Smitty Wesson sat on the curb outside of his family owned grocery store described his near death ordeal at the hands of a knife wielding felon.

At 9:15 this evening Mr. Wesson noticed a young man enter his family owned grocery store. The man walked around the store in a deliberate manner before approaching Smitty at the cash register where he reached into his coat and pulled out what Mr. Wesson says is the biggest damn knife he had ever seen in his life. Mr. Wesson said that it reminded him of the scene in Crocodile Dundee when Dundee produced his knife and said “Now this is a knife!”

“The next few minutes seemed like an eternity” explained Smitty. “I reached under the counter for my trusty Smith and Wesson model 19. As I tried to get my finger on the trigger I realized that I had installed a brand spanking new trigger lock on my gun. There was a pause in time as the would be robber looked at me and I looked at him and we both looked at the useless gun in my hand.”

“I didn’t hesitate,” said Mr. Wesson. “I started running up and down the aisles of the store with my gun in my hand trying desperately to remember the friggin combination to the trigger lock. I ran down the soup aisle knocking Campbell’s soup all over the floor. I saw all of those red and white cans rolling around, hoping it would stop the mad man, but he kept on coming. Next I ran down the baking isle where I was sure the Wesson corn oil would stop him, but he jumped over the slippery puddles and continued to pursue me. 666!, 123!, 357!, I kept trying different combinations of numbers to open my trigger lock, to no avail. I set the combination myself last week, but I never thought that I would have to open it in such a hurry. I always thought that I would have time to reach into my pocket for the slip of paper with the numbers on it.”

“I ran down the feminine hygiene aisle and saw my life begin to flash before my eyes. Is this where it ends,” I thought, as I saw the blur of Tampax and Kotex Maxi pads while running past? “I decided to take flight into the parking lot and as I approached the automatic doors I remembered that I needed to make a service call on them because they opened too slowly. I burst through the doors with my attacker close behind. I could hear him breathing hard. Suddenly I remembered the combination. 911! I yelled 911 at the top of my lungs as my fingers scrambled to spin the tumblers of the lock. I remember how hard it was trying to unlock a combination lock while running for your life. My head was bobbing up and down like a little red and white bobber with a big bass on the line as I desperately tried to remove the blasted lock from the trigger of my 357.”

“Finally, as I rounded a van in the parking lot the lock came free from my only means of defense. I went into horror though as I looked at the back end of the cylinder and realized that the gun was unloaded because it is a safety hazard to use a trigger lock on a loaded gun. I yelled out ‘shucks!’ and knew that the gun was not going to do me much good without some ammunition, which was back in the store behind the counter.”

“I didn’t have time or any more energy to out run the punk for that distance so I threw my gun at him and he ducked as it sailed over his head. I heard glass break as it hit a windshield of a small car in the lot. I started for the store anyway when I had a strange thought that perhaps I should call 911 and wait for the police to arrive.

“As I was sprinting for the store, the robber was still chasing me. He was about fifteen yards behind me as I neared the doors. Suddenly and instinctively I recalled the trigger lock still in my trembling hand. I stopped, spun around, grabbed the trigger lock tightly in my right hand and with all of the desperation of a pitcher with two out and the bases loaded in the ninth I hurled a fast ball at him. I will never forget the puzzled wide-eyed look on his face as the trigger lock approached him at a high rate of speed. It hit him right between the eyes and he dropped like a piano fell on him. He was dead before he hit the ground!”

Smitty went on to say that he sure was glad he had his Gun-Blok trigger lock. “I don’t know what I would have done without it,” he said as he wandered back to the store.

Get your Gun-Blok trigger lock at any sporting good store or where ever fine safety devices are sold.

This article is satire. E-mail Tom Buchanan at [email protected].